APRIL 16, 2012
Do you succumb to nostalgia?
If you’re referring to the underweight, ineffectual professional wrestler Johnny Villabonobos, aka Nostalgia, who died of tuberculosis in 1986, no.
Do you write long and cut, or short and backfill?
Oh, I get it. I’m some velvet-mouthed helicopter chef, eager to share my writing secrets, is that it? Keep dreaming!
How do you feel about your Wikipedia entry?
Apart from all the BS about dealing owl tranquilizers, it’s fine.
Lunch with any three people who ever lived; who do you invite?
I’ve read “The Monkey’s Paw.” Not gonna answer this one, thanks.
Best piece of advice you ever received?
“There’s a difference between someone who robs a bank and someone who robs a bank every time they leave the house.”
Have you ever been defeated by a genre?
What the hell does that even mean?
Are you okay with blood?
I don’t truck with no sissies.
Who is your imagined audience? Does it at all coincide with the real one?
The proud, hardworking folks of America’s glorious coasts and heartlands.
What country would you want to be exiled in?
Narnia, before it got all lame and Christian.
What’s your favorite negative emotion?
Selective acute impatience. It lets me comfortably walk away from questions such as, “Have you ever been defeated by a genre?”
Is your study neat, or, like John Muir’s, is your desk and floor covered in “lateral, medial, and terminal moraines”?
First, let me tell you a few things about John Muir. He hated forests. He was terrified of trees, and he died addicted to owl tranquilizers. That should tell you something about his workplace.
What’s your poison?
Sugar, aka White Death
What’s your problem?
Not enough time.
Title of the book you’re probably never going to write, but would kind of like to get around to?
“DOCTOR FARM: Book IV of the Jupiter Chronicles.” It’s probably a futuristic sci-fi series about alien war plus the importance of diversity and tolerance. Basically it would start with a transgendered Mexican interstellar space doctor (oncologist) trying to rescue his/her(?) Sudanese (dark-skinned) wolf-husband (genetic experiment/Muslim). That’s just a taste. I figure plenty more would happen.
What are you so afraid of?
Those horrible water bugs. I will attack you if I even suspect you’re carrying one in your mouth.
How long can you go without putting paw to keyboard?
Record so far: 13 years.
Do you require a high thread count?
I told you once, already. I do not hold truck with sissies.
Sexy and dangerous, or brilliant and kind?
Irritable and headachey.
What character or story haunts you?
Professor Arthur Barnhouse in “Report on the Barnhouse Effect,” by Kurt Vonnegut
Does plot matter?
Selective impatience to the rescue!
Does age matter?
Who is the author you’d most like to impersonate online?
T.L. Swoozins, author of Fire & Denim.
Is there a literary community?
Oh golly, I hope so.